September 17, 2018 by Jason Phillips
This is the first page of my new business book (may change on publication):
Jason was born in 1976 to a dinner lady and a milk man in the Welsh Valleys. He came out alone despite being a twin and immediately decided to ignore everyone he met. They tested him for deafness but the Doctor confirmed he was in fact just ignorant. Jason preferred to look at tiny worms made of light floating down, while gawping out of the living room window, dribbling. Jason sometimes laid on the sofa pretending to be ill so he didn’t have to go to school, and ignore everyone there. Mam would always be picking up the arm chair covers and putting them back on. He wasn’t allowed downstairs at night, so laid in bed thinking about death.
Jason wanted to be a robber when he grew up. When the family moved to South Wales, when Jason was 9, he went to school dressed as Danny Zuko from Grease. Sporting his Mam’s fake purple leather jacket, his hair soaking wet and smothered in frothy conditioner, and a green comb with a googly eye stuck out of his back pocket. He told a little kid to stop picking on a fat kid and at play time the little bully knocked out Jason Zuko cold, with one punch to the nose in front of the entire school.
Jason later became a detective by watching Poirot every single week and never once guessing who the murderer was. He set up a detective agency in his dad’s shed next to a lawnmower, a rusty rowing machine and Jimmy Cricket’s wellies. Where his dad had slammed nails through the ceiling to stop the pigeons shitting on the roof, rain dripped onto the young detectives tense loaf. ‘J-Sun & Co Detective Services Ltd’ ceased trading in 1989 when he cracked a case, and discovered that it was actually he, himself, that had in fact stolen his best friends ‘Operation Wolf’ computer game that the poor bastard had just got for christmas.
Jason grew up with 3 brothers. Bim, an army-sergeant little baby brother who liked to leave turd bombs round the house. Sexy Bryn, a Casanova ultra popular hunk of a big bro, who didn’t want him hanging round his arse cramping his style. And was somewhat overshadowed by Justybabes – the Disco Queen: his sequinned, tap-dancing Cilla Blackesque brother.
Jason rebelled in 1992 by drinking a litre of Thunderbird Red and eating a Penguin (the acid trip not the chocolate bar nor the animal). This happened in an old man’s house near his school, that he and all his teenage friends had ambushed, and turned into a drugs den with the old man also drugged out of his eye balls. Puking his organs out, laughing until his entire outer crust split open, Jason gave birth to a brand new weirder version of himself.
He became unbearable to anyone he lived with, found it impossible to do anything conventional and began staring at light worms again. He installed a 5k sound system in his box bedroom, and fitted a hefty lock to keep out any intruders. His family and the entire street were driven to despair and baldness, until his mother kicked the door off its hinges and dragged him by his hair to the chip pan and burnt his arm off to a stump.
Cue 43 shit jobs, several failed relationships, crippling debt, 20 years of alcohol and drug abuse, failed businesses, mental collapses, abortions, vagabonding, more debt, over thinking, body image psychosis, loneliness, squatting, brain experimentation, unplanned adventures, devouring 900 self help books, 15 councillors, a period living in the NCP in Bristol with a pycho from Cwmbran and a botched NHS operation on his face. After Jason came out of the Gwent Hospital looking like a freak (OR DID HE? – a la Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky) he grew his hair completely over his face and began to make some weird-arsed music. He took that music with a band of freaks on a debauched 8 year long tour around the UK and Europe to much success. Until one of his band members died and the project fell apart in a teenage-girl-like bitching session on facebook.
Today Jason, now 41, sublets his entire flat out because he can’t afford to live there, and sits in his attic like Ann Frank, freezing his balls off and writing shit like this. Forever searching for something but not entirely sure what, this book is Jason’s final attempt at getting his head round Capitalism and becoming a ‘success’. His Dad, once so full of hope, has already said it’s too late. And, in the words of his ever-wise Tipping-Point-addicted Mother, “Jase, what are you doing with your life?”
New WORKING TITLE:
MAKING IT: The Losers Guide to Surviving Capitalism
Making It: Surviving in a Capitalist World if You’re Not A Greedy Selfish Bastard
any feedback appreciated on that or anything else!