Udders

2

September 19, 2018 by Jason Phillips

It had been about 4 month’s since i had seen him so i was excited to see Will.

I got a text in the afternoon:

‘Just got ur steak in you fat fuk’

ah meat! great i hopped on the train and was buzzing the intercom  by 7pm. Located in the concrete sprawl of a scummy estate,  looking run down to fuck, no people in sight, but through every window glowed a 65″ tv taking up an entire wall.

I was buzzed in and the door was creaked open on the 1st floor. a huge cloud of black smoke bellowed out of the door hole and william emerged with eyes like flying saucers.

ALRIGHT MATE. he said calmly.

WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!! i ran through the cloud threw the smoking wok off the hob and turned off the cooker. i got down low and got into the living room opened the windows wide and chucked my obese ruck sack onto the sofa. Will was shuffling from foot to foot looking completely wired in the kitchen, enveloped by thick black clouds. he was completely off his tits and unperturbed by the smoke invasion. i opened the balcony door and stepped back into the corridor and coughed my throat out. fuck me will! what the fuuuuuck

jesus. fuckin.

the  smoke slowly shifted and a steak and chips was slapped on the living room table next to a huge bucket of drying sick lumps, a foot high pile of fag butts – i assume on top of an ash tray, and tobacco bits and gunk convered glasses and empty cans. Will was getting over being invaded with crazy fucking chemicals, thanks to the mental health system,  that was completely ruining all of his organs. he hadnt been injected for 4 months, but was still recovering from the fucked up chemicals even now. we have managed to help him escape their grip, in a harrowing ordeal in june, but he was clearly still completely mental and i was wondering we should have in fact left him in there to be abused on lock down.

i moved my meal to a seat on the other side of the room away from the sick bucket. and got tucked into a surprisingly tasty meal!

the footy come on and considering how much i cant be arsed watching the fairies rolling around holding their shins normally, i was locked into one of  the best games i’d ever witnessed being beamed via will’s new 90″ tv in this dump of a room with the lovely aroma of puke filling my nostrils. i drank some vino,. breaking my religion, just to escape the discomfort  of my environment, and celebrate being home and seeing me old mucker.

a few more lines flew up wills nose., but i werent partaking./ not tonight. fuck that./

the phone was going and will was getting excited blabbing to someone on the other end. half time and we headed up the shop to get some more vino on the instruction of his expected mystery guest.

in the Londis the assistant looked baffled as william requested their finest Bordeuax…. shuffling from foot to foot and looking completely fuckin murderous./ the assistant offered a echo falls and locked himself behind the counter.

back at the flat and Lolo came in from the dark./ her face was caked in make up and on her face was painted the biggest smile and the most surprised eyebrows you can imagine. she was excited. very excited. and so was will. lola recognised me from school but i didnt recgnonise here, but that may have been because of all the paint on her head. i asked to see a photo of her in school which she said she had on her phone. but she kept getting disturbed by her own really long detailed stories, with lots of emotion, and no endings.

will and lola  ranted at each other at earth shattering volumes. neither giving a fuck what the other whad to say and both so excited to have company to unload their utter madness upon.  they ordered some more twat powder from the local drugrat, which was outside as  slick a deliveroo for the nose.   each time they troughed a line the volume and the speed of the ranting would go through the roof and slowly wind down til another line was rammed up their nosril. lola went for a piss and came back  into the living room heaving and shaking her head. she was disgusted by the solid encrusted stripe of shite that was cemented to the toilet bowl. she sat there for a further hour crossing her legs and ranting not allowing anyone else to say a word; it transpired that her boyfriend had hung himself on the same branch his brother had, a few days earlier.  will was telling her that he liked to prey on vulnerable women and that he was going to seduce her. she managed to talk so much that she forgot she needed a piss.

she sniffed in a rare millisecond of silence. she turned her attention to the sick bucket and said he needed to take it out or she was leaving. they ended up wrestling the stinking bucket back n forth and screaming at each other. she eventually won the fight and lobbed the disgusting vessel downstairs and out the front door.  next up she was holding her nose, screaming and squirting bleach all over the 10 year old build up of shit on the bowl.

‘your voice is fucking unbearable, my head is fucking pounding. and i need to go to bed, as i cant take it for a single minute longer.’ i announced

she looked dumbfounded and completely offended.

‘look i like you but i just cannot bare you for a further single second!’

i got to the infamous ‘Wank Room’ and cuddled up in bed. she came in and started ranting again, screaming, and again the sick bucket had found its way back into the flat and they were in my room playing tug of war with it. i kicked the fuckers out. said please FUCK OFF. slammed the door and piled up a load of old records and boxes against it.

i read some of my book and listened to them scream at each other til i drifted off. i was woken up aagain when they had made their way into will’s bedroom about 4am. she was as loud and relentless and mental as earlier. William had devolved into a slug and was lying on the bed, and wa snot only displaying how desperate he was for love, but also had appeared to lost the ability to speak.

BUUUTIIILOOOOOOVE U LOOLO

WILLIAM I WIL NEVER EVER GO WITH YUOU

CAN I PLAY WITH YOUR UDDERSS MERRRRRR

NOOO YOU CANNOT.

an hour of this absolute fucking retarded bullshit and lola burst into my room. the boxes and records spilling all over the place.

WAKE UP !!!! ROLL ME A CIGARETTE > WILL’s too fucked and i cant rooll. can you please roll me a fag/

FUCK OFF NOW YOU TWAT i announced and the door creaked shut.

i slept til ten. walked into the living room where lola was asleep on the arm shair./ i washed the dishes from the dinner and. made a coffee. i went back to my room to devour some more of my book, in peace. i heard will stir. i  came out of my room to find lola gone and will dribbling and puking into the bucket. it fuckin stunk.

will i cant stay in here with that bucket i have to go.

ok i commmmm

his ability to speak hadn quite returned.

we left the shit hole and walked into a sunny day. WIlliam had pukey carrots stuck to his chin and big bubble of snot glistening in the sun. he kept shouting UDDERS. we took a coffee and i was glad to leave him finally and get the fuck out of there. my head was killing. back to the Attic! for some much needed SILENCE

2 thoughts on “Udders

  1. Anonymous says:

    what a great day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Sign up for brand new banging FREE music and rants on travel, life and creativity.

Join 9,279 other followers

Buy My 1st Book

click the pic

Archives

celebrate your wrong bits
%d bloggers like this: